Sunday, October 16, 2011
icant type too well cuz i did my nails all long and fabulus...so its a damn slow process...i had the best night ever chillin with my family..my brother graduated today ..he has a bachelor of science..so stoked for him and accomplishing the intense feat of completing a 4 year degree,, something i never did..but we all have our own paths..i met a girl tonight that inspired me..my long lost cousin! stoked on the fact that i've established a relationship with her. she is memorable..she will be a famous actress;)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
so i work in a mall on a shitty boring street that i've tried to find beauty in. but simply cannot.
malls are gross because they have no personality, they are VOID. giant mutes . they don't make you feel anything at all. the stores are all in a row. and its very suburban, even in the middle of a city. the outside world doesn't exist in a mall. i never even shopped in malls before i worked in one. they are soul sucking. and i miss the bookstore. polo park mall has no bookstore. and that makes me so sad.
so i decided a few weeks ago. that all the things i want to do are achievable and within reach. and there is no way that i can go on much longer living in a state of "wish"
wish is a place with no satisfaction. no outcome. "wish" hurts because it never ends. if one continues to "wish" one is never actually DOING. so i made an agreement with myself that i would DO. so the other night i was able to make some headway with my music, and found a sound that i like and feel really is me.. and i'm gonna play a show if it fucking kills me. cuz if i don't then psychologically i am dead. so why the hold up? work is sucking out my creative self. too many sales, too much business zapps everything free flowing and natural and turns you into a machine. that is a laughing shmoozing smooooth operator.
style is everything. friends that truly understand you are everything.
ok so i look back..and the last entry i wrote was in june. its like i forgot about this blog. i forget about the things that make me happy..and circle in a small pond that makes me feel vapid and blase. i know i love to paint and draw and write and talk and think and think and read and think. and i love life. and am so sad that i don't remember. and just drink and forget. i am an atrocity somtimes
Friday, September 9, 2011
i dont even know where to begin.
i've been existing in a bubble lately. working. sleeping. interacting. sort of.
i'm not sure where i'm headed. i feel an intense urge to move, to start fresh.
i'm always obsessed with my life. i never just live. i'm always over analyzing to the absolute MAX.
who. what. where. when. why.
i'm 26 years old. and more often then not, i feel like i'm totally un-aligned with my "source energy" meaning: i feel like i know the person i am, and what i want to be doing...but i feel like i'm not doing it. i don't know how. it's almost like sitting around dreaming about life is more fun then going out and doing it.
like now. i feel happy? i look at style blogs like "hel looks" and i wish i was a cool eastern european, that seems so removed from "popular culture" and lives in a place that just is. cool.
is. cool. doesn't pretend or try. just is. i wonder when i will feel peace within myself more then 40% of the time.?
it seems like i have so many things i want to do. but its really that i know the type of life i want to be living. and im not living it. and i am too pussy to just make it a reality.
but then, i'm still so confused. when i talk to people that understand this longing..i feel so happy. but the majority doesn't understand.
so what am i to do?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I've realized that I haven't been posting any diary style entries..just a lot of pictures. I write everyday, but just to myself. I think from now on I will post some of my thoughts on here. I don't think people talk about what they're feeling enough. Sometimes I feel like I go days without talking about anything substantial with anyone.
I feel so fucked up about today..a girl I knew passed away this week...it makes me feel so confused about life. I imagine the things she did in the years, months, days, hours leading up to her death. The thought that up until the moment she died, she most likely didn't see it coming. I wonder about her family, her close close friends..what they are feeling. I look around at my apartment, look down at my computer, take a sip of my beer..listen to the sound of the traffic outside, the smell of the incense burning..I am alive, I am alive. Where is she?
It's just so baffling to me, that with all of the technology in the world, in a society where we claim to know the answers to absolutely everything. Nobody knows where we go when we die.
Nobody can prove anything exists beyond this realm.
This lack of concrete proof can cause intense anxiety, or intense freedom.
I feel like we are all energy. So I am not afraid of physical death of my body. On most days.
It makes me feel that all of the mundane tasks we do on a daily basis, our obsession with concepts like wealth and careers and the "perfect life" are all so utterly absurd.
So many of us are so detached from life itself.. delving deeply into an encrypted fog..creating a need to be submerged in stuff-to distract us from just being alive. I don't want to live like this. I want to feel every moment
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
i can't believe how long its been since i've posted..i've had a new job for about 3 months working at aldo shoes..as assistant manager..the job has been much more involved then i could've imagined..in the way that i think about work after i've clocked out for the day- which hasn't really happened..until now..
i'm mentioning this because..i find that i have less energy to focus on things like pretty creature, and realized..when looking for something to do..and my fiance suggested i browse fashion blogs..that i haven't done that in forever! and it used to be something i did daily. so strange.
on the plus side of things..i have been taking loads of pictures..and have found great joy in this..
today i took some photos of interesting tomb stones in a beautiful cemetery.. my fiance thought it was "creepy" that i did this..and i don't agree..mind you, i did feel sort of weird as i was taking the photos..but i'm interested in the religious symbolism found of tombs stones...the old fashioned fonts..and the strange images..and while the whole experience could've been especially eerie..it was so calm and pure..