i miss the bookstore

so i work in a mall on a shitty boring street that i've tried to find beauty in. but simply cannot.

malls are gross because they have no personality, they are VOID. giant mutes . they don't make you feel anything at all. the stores are all in a row. and its very suburban, even in the middle of a city. the outside world doesn't exist in a mall. i never even shopped in malls before i worked in one. they are soul sucking. and i miss the bookstore. polo park mall has no bookstore. and that makes me so sad.

list

so i decided a few weeks ago. that all the things i want to do are achievable and within reach. and there is no way that i can go on much longer living in a state of "wish"

wish is a place with no satisfaction. no outcome. "wish" hurts because it never ends. if one continues to "wish" one is never actually DOING. so i made an agreement with myself that i would DO. so the other night i was able to make some headway with my music, and found a sound that i like and feel really is me.. and i'm gonna play a show if it fucking kills me. cuz if i don't then psychologically i am dead. so why the hold up? work is sucking out my creative self. too many sales, too much business zapps everything free flowing and natural and turns you into a machine. that is a laughing shmoozing smooooth operator.

style is everything. friends that truly understand you are everything.

what tha muther fuck

ok so i look back..and the last entry i wrote was in june. its like i forgot about this blog. i forget about the things that make me happy..and circle in a small pond that makes me feel vapid and blase. i know i love to paint and draw and write and talk and think and think and read and think. and i love life. and am so sad that i don't remember. and just drink and forget. i am an atrocity somtimes

wow. its been o so long

i dont even know where to begin.

i've been existing in a bubble lately. working. sleeping. interacting. sort of.

i'm not sure where i'm headed. i feel an intense urge to move, to start fresh.

i'm always obsessed with my life. i never just live. i'm always over analyzing to the absolute MAX.

who. what. where. when. why.

i'm 26 years old. and more often then not, i feel like i'm totally un-aligned with my "source energy" meaning: i feel like i know the person i am, and what i want to be doing...but i feel like i'm not doing it. i don't know how. it's almost like sitting around dreaming about life is more fun then going out and doing it.

fuckkkkk

like now. i feel happy? i look at style blogs like "hel looks" and i wish i was a cool eastern european, that seems so removed from "popular culture" and lives in a place that just is. cool.

is. cool. doesn't pretend or try. just is. i wonder when i will feel peace within myself more then 40% of the time.?

it seems like i have so many things i want to do. but its really that i know the type of life i want to be living. and im not living it. and i am too pussy to just make it a reality.

but then, i'm still so confused. when i talk to people that understand this longing..i feel so happy. but the majority doesn't understand.

so what am i to do?